the things i`d tell my 15 year old self

• high school is the best years of your life. you`d meet people who are absolutely amazing and they will complete these 4 years. you`ll spend every second with them and love it
• don`t take school too seriously. high school matters alright but a line of seven is not something to get sad about! you`ll do well, don`t worry
• fuck upcat
• your first boyfriend is an asshole. okay sure, you will learn a lot of shit from him (revenge and hatred, included) but he`s an ass and he`s not worth your time nor your tears. cheer up, baby love! don`t you worry, janine will be all ears listening to your sob pathetic story about how he replaced you over someone so tiny and stupid (literally)
• oj is a wonderful guy. he`ll teach you a lot of things you thought you already know. you`ll love him down to core and he`ll reciprocate everything back and give some more. he`s great, you`ll like him!
• appreciate his long commutes. lsgh to spcp is far
• do not worry about meeting his family. they`re all sorts of amazing and years from now, you`d be really close to them and love them like they`re your own. so that`s one thing to actually look forward to
• no, you do not want to take BS BIO
• STOP FUCKING EATING!!!! please do not discover the beauty of food because you will be unstoppable and blow like a fucking puff fish
• third year is the best year — you`ll be elected as class secretary. together with stef and nizel who will be the class vice president and treasurer respectively. it`ll be fun and being asked to get out of the room is actually one of the things you`ll get to remember regardless of how embarrassing it was at first! being seatmates with them will be a fun ride. cherish every single second. you`ll never get it back
• friendster is on its way out. get rid of it. multiply will be the next big thing and don`t delete it!
• things at home will start changing.. i don`t know if you have the power to undo the mess but you`ll be strong. and you will stay strong. :) you`re a great girl and you never ever have to doubt that
• never lose communication with your friends when you get to college
• you`ll be okay. i promise

1135am

• ctrl a + backspace
• i have typed a handful of bullets and deleted it
• what is going on with me
• i am crazy
• my life is making me crazy
• the predicament i am in is making me crazy
• “strength will find you sooner that you ever though it would”
• i am so excited for you, my love
• lumier / luccio!
• i love you i love you i love you
• i have such great friends — you can depend on them, anytime anywhere! and i guess it`s something to smile about regardless of how awful i am feeling today
• philip philips is such a cutie! haha he resembles oj`s little cousin that i used to have a crush on
• “for a moment or two, the darkness doesn`t seem so bad”
• i finally have a line that explains exactly what i feel when you`re around. it`s the most wonderful feeling in the world and i`m not afraid that it`s only fleeting because it`s here to stay for a very, very long time (referring to prior bullet)
• i cannot wait to grow old and be free
• terrified of the weeks to come but it`ll be an enormous sigh if i overcome it alive
• “b” “yeah?” “will you marry me?”
• ritter sport joghurt and hazelnut + almonds are my new favorite chocolates in the world! reese`s peanut butter cups had that throne for a really long time. adios
• pardon me as i need careful explanation: how is it possible that ONE person — a single normal human being. with no extraordinary powers whatsoever — just change your whole day. is that fair to both parties? how can anyone be so powerful be in your life and change you to their whim?

questions

• why do bad things happen to good people
• can you really choose happiness
• is love enough
• why do we always have the need to show people that we are strong
• is it wrong put ourselves first before other people
• can a person really save you
• DO WE REALLY NEED SAVING
• is happiness just a state of mind
• what if everything we thought of, was actually wrong
• why are most people unhappy
• why is suicide so frowned upon when you cannot actually blame someone for being so depressed and hopeless
• how come some people think it’s just about being strong

“how do you look at the girl you love and tell yourself its time to walk away?”

• i`m laughing how it`s not even about a girl or a boy! it`s about doing something i`m passionate about. and i have to just walk the fuck out. i`m so close to killing everyone
• i need a jumpstart! i need a rest. i need motivation. i need what i had before. i need it all back
• everything on criterion b falls on me
• how come when one falls out of the norm, she is considered different and in a bad way already? — i mean, when you`re 30 and you don`t have a family yet, something`s wrong with you. when you`re 22 and you haven`t found a decent job yet, something`s wrong with you. why is it like that. i just need to know WHY because i don`t know shit anymore. i don`t know why i should be single and should be free at 19. why i should be studying and living the good life at 19. why i shouldn`t be working at 19. why i should have babies when i`m 30. why i should be having a lot of money at 40. i don`t know. and it`s weird because….
• ….i ALWAYS wanted to know the mystery of things. maybe that is why i took psychology. i`ve been so dazzled about the things underneath the books. 
• i`m so affected with the things people expect me to be, i just don`t know if i`m happy with it anymore. what if one day i wake up and just want to be a fucking bum all my life? does that make me a bad person? a lazy daughter? someone please explain these things to me
• … it`s safe to say i`m an emotional mess. if i were robin sherbatsky, i`d say, WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME
• 20 in almost 6 months. wow. i wish i was back in high school; where no one gave a shit about grades, where you want to go to school just because, where the best part of your day is recess. i wish i could turn it all back. there are so many things i`d tell my 15-year old self and to my friends as well
• i`m scared that the day will come that i will have to regret every moment spent on school and with oj
• i`ve always wanted to take up pscyhology — i`m crazy madly in love with it but what if it wasn`t for me. what if it has been an unrequited love all along that`s why it isn`t working out. i couldn`t help but question especially now when things are at its worst
• with oj, i`ve been with him for almost four years. that`s 1/5 of my whole life. i have loved him ever since. i loved him the days i hated him. i loved him the days he looked so stupid annoying me and getting pissed myself. i loved him the days he didn`t seem himself. it`s a mind blowing realization and i just couldn`t afford to regret everything. i`m in love with him and his family. i love his cousins. i love his house. i love his friends. it`s like we`re stitched together and if you try ripping one of us apart, you`d take someone else`s other parts. it`s that stitched together. and no one would want to kill that because you couldn`t dare imagine how different it`ll be without each other. so, just, no. please
• “dr louisse david” always had a lovely ring to it. it has been my plan — college, uni for my medical degree, work, work, work, work, family, family, family. but now, i don`t know how things would work out anymore. IT IS THAT MESSED UP. i always planned everything and i don`t know what`ll happen anymore. 
• how can God let someone have the power to just change your life eternally? is that even fair?
• i`m deep shit scared. i worry all the time. all. the. fucking. time. it`s what i do. basically. but wouldn`t it be more scary if i wasn`t scared? and wouldn`t that be a lovely feeling?
• i want to be free. maybe that`s why i`ve always wanted a black bird tat because it`s me.. constantly fighting for liberty
• my desperate need for secrecy is making me isolated
• i don`t really want to exchange lives with people who have it so much better, instead i just want to know how people who have it so much worse go through life`s difficulty and end up on the other side… okay, good and well if not better? HOW DO THEY DO IT. i need to know how so that i`ll be okay too and i`d feel a lot better because then i`d know that things are actually going to turn out for the better
• the only remedy i can think of right now are new books, rest, some more love and acceptance

to different people

1. you amaze me by day. you amaze me by how i know you`ve fallen asleep because your whole body is twitching. you amaze me by the things you constantly teach me. and you amaze me through the words you use to uplift my soul. no one does it better. you`ll make a good counselor one day you know but i guess you`d make a better lawyer. i love you so much and my only hope is that one day, you will know how much
2. i miss you girls. i`ll be gone a little while but it doesn`t mean our friendship has to cease as well. i`ve never met as wonderful creatures as the four of you. you make a bad day good. that`s just how powerful you 4 are. you`re great and loving and kind and anyone (boy or girl) is lucky to have each one of you. i`m here for your weddings and baby showers and bridal showers and birthdays (especially birthdays) i could never ever wish for a better set of friends. you will always be my angels
3. i`m going to make you proud one day. things are messed up right now and it`s beyond my control but it won`t end here. i`m still the little girl with big dreams (it`s a long way to go but i`m packing my things and ready to leave- yes, a metaphor)
4. you deprive me of doing something i love the most in the world. you deprive me of seeing my friends everyday. you deprive me of being motivated. i just can`t imagine how indifferent you are to these things. i don`t know how you do it. unbelievable
5. we`re going to have our payback one day. i promise. from that slutty little girl to the girl who has severe daddy issues because her mom (who has dependent personality disorder) picked the wrong guy to the remedial girl who became the reason of your broken heart when you were just 15 to the person who took your dreams from you. we will get back on them. just wait. ticktockticktock
6. you`re my miracle. you`re my light. and i love you already
7. make me your queen or goddess (whatever), god of mischief! i love you, loki. i honestly honestly do
8. please for the love of god and of the country, just stop imitating people. i don`t care if it`s me, or my sister or some girl who has a thousand followers. i`m sure you`re great all by yourself, no need to prove that to others through copying how they talk or type. it just won`t do. you`re too good for all that
9. I HATE YOU
10. please go back home! i miss you. it`s been years and years and years of waiting for your return. it`s vague but the memories are still playing on loop— trips to taguig, serendra at night, magnificent lunch and dinner, obsession compulsion, tita bing and how she tries to sell raphael on us. i miss all of it. i would trade anything for you to be back. anything
11. i`m sorry. for all the things i couldn`t share and the love i cannot reciprocate. i`m sorry. i`m sorry. i`m sorry
12. i will always be your little girl and none of this is your fault

why messy cuyco and i are meant to be

1. she`s my cinema and i could watch her forever. i love her the way she is, my cinema, my cinema
2. i could tell her ANYTHING. she knows me so well! considering it`s just been 4 years of friendship. damn it, why do they have to ruin it!
3. dude, we killed thesis presentation. okay, it wasn`t THAT great but it was okay than what we expected. we are a team that is why we should never be apart, i know janine alcantara is my inseparable but messy is my soulmate. i am never without her. of course, there are some days i hate going to class but one of us needs to be present and she`s always that one
4. i know her. i just do. i know that she loves those foam-spongey baked goods and i could never understand why. she has this need to dry her hair out before going to school hence she`s seldom in school with wet hair. and i love her for it because i don`t really give a fuck if i go to school coming out of the shower. air drying is fine for me but no, not to messy. she`s crazy like that 
5. we`re awesome. we could take the world down together. of course, we need our 3 more best friends but you know what i mean! she`s just the love of my life
6. despite the fact that i have always hated her neutrality in life, i still love her and only married people do that! so i guess we could marry each other (but i still have to marry oj dela cruz) okay, messy could be my house wife (literally)
7. we`ve seen each other naked. no fucking shit man. we have showered together a number of times. we don`t hide anything from each other anymore. maybe there are things i still yet to know about her but those things are the mysteries and wonders we are to know about each other
8. we have hundreds of pictures together. we`re never camera shy
9. we`ve been partners in school works since forever. i can never recall where it all began but i just know that when i say her legs way back 09, i knew that we had to be friends. she has killer legs, by the way!
10. sometimes, she`s the reason why i even study and that is no joke. there are days i couldn`t bare studying anymore but i have to because she`s my partner and i couldn`t afford reeling messy in my laziness
11. her mom loves me. she does! HAHA i don`t know but i have always been lucky with mothers! it`s uncanny and nice
12. i`ve been to her house more times i`ve been to oj`s (or is it?) HAHA i don`t know but since she`s living nearby taft we (us 5) usually buy take outs and eat at her condo then nap together — after some time, we`d all be lazy to get up and go to class (i mean who would still want to go to class, i`m in a bed with 4 lovely ladies)
13. this post might seem very lesbian of me but i`m not i swear. it`s just messy and i together.. we`re perfect. we`re THE dynamic duo. and things are going to be tough without her. i couldn`t imagine school without her. she`s the first person i text when i arrive school because  we`re going to eat breakfast together and talk about people and whatnot. it`s sad that it all had to end but i guess, years from now, when one of us had to walk down the aisle we`ll still be there for each other, holding each other`s bouquet. i love her so much and i felt the need to do a post about it. i know that there`ll come a day that she`ll be too busy doing her thesis but she`ll always be there. the same way as i`ll always be there for her.

i love you messy janela cuyco. i love you and your disgusting handwriting. you`re my bestest friend and i know and i`m sure we`re going to stay the same forever

too much for a little me

• nothing is okay anymore. school is crazy but my life is crazier
• i`ve been receiving calls from possible practicum trainers but still can`t give anyone my final word yet. i don`t know why they want us to suffer like this. being gradually killed by anxiety is enough torture already
• i`m at home, doing my bullets and on my ipod. that`s how messy things are. i hardly ever put my earphones on when i`m at home but this night calls for it
• judgement`s on tuesday, i don`t know if i can handle it. i honestly did my best and why the fuck i screwed up is still a mystery. maybe this isn`t for me but god knows how much i love this subject. ahh fuck i don`t know shit anymore
• ANHEDONIA it`s my favorite word in the entire psychology dictionary! it`s so sad and so life-changing. i think i`m suffering from dysthymia although it hasn`t been that long
• timing is god damn everything. i would swear to any living creature that i would trade basically anything to fast forward to like 2 years from now. i`m such a pussy for running away from problems but it`s the only way out, you see
• last night was bam sleepover day. stef anista is still crazy and i don`t think she`s changing any time soon. i love her crazy self though! she`s been my friend for such a long time now and i love her. i wish she`s like that forever
• yesterday was wonderful. it`s sad that it had to end! spent the day with my favorite people in the world. i love love love them. i could never be without them
• puta why do i like sad songs so much. i mean, i`m a dubstep kind of girl! whaaat the fuck is happening to me
• i need a push. a strong one that is
• i love you oj dela cruz. i`m going to take care of you forever and remind you to drink your meds and annoy you not to drink cold water and to tell you to always put on your seatbelt although you`re never not in your seatbelt. 
• is it really possible to love someone this much
• “you set me spinning. you pull me in close, you throw me away. i keep coming back like a boomerang”
• jesus take the wheel
• what could make things better = a cup of good milk. a fully airconditioned hotel room. some cuddling. good sleep. and maybe a trip to mercato
• i get seriously annoyed when people tell every fucking one that they hate watching PBB and still continues to watch it. i mean COME ON PEOPLE. last night, everyone was so fucking pissed about this girl but they are still watching HAHAHA fucking funny
• i hate big brother. actually i hate reality tv shows that are so obviously scripted but hate the people all the more for being so stupid
• i`d rather watch disney + nick on any day than torture myself watching lame ass girls fighting over a man or fame-addict family who just can`t live without the limelight
• EVERYONE IN THIS WORLD IS COMPLETELY FUCKED UP. you, me, her, him, that guy over there, that pretty girl on stage. every single one. it`s just a matter of how we hide it and the people we choose to show it to

“it`s been a beautiful fight — it still is”

• wow it has been long. isn`t it
• crazy crazy i just opened my laptop (the old one) after a long while and god this little baby is full of memories. it moves in such a slow pace already! i`m happy but you know when i get to click and browse my albums in their own folders, it is the most apparent proof that everything has changed — high school to college, old  friends to new, family pictures, my interests, how i used to smile, my pictures without my braces, everything
• i still get sad. regardless of how much i have realized and know that things have changed. sometimes you just can`t swallow it all. it`s pathetic and sad all at the same time
• on the other hand, i`m doing well in school (i think) i haven`t gotten bad midterm grades yet but i still have to do better. i cannot lose psychology. not when it`s my oasis. never
• speaking of psychology, i am very much eager to study psychiatry soon. i cannot be in an HR setting. it`s too much. i don`t like rude people and being bossed around. hence i am going to study medicine, and i`m going to be good at it. i`ll be the fucking best psychiatrist and treat crazy people because someone has to get up and help them for they cannot help themselves. i want to be someone else`s saviour
• duuude iphone 4s is the shit okay but i`m happy with mine. :) oh yes bitch i am one grateful bastard. i love siri but i`m too disorganized and messy for an expensive phone
• i ate a pack of large combos last night. heaven heaven heaven. i`d choose that over ferrero rocher on any day! but if reese`s were what we are talking about here, i`d still choose reese`s
• lelelel i just remembered when oj got back from australia, he got me packs of reese`s!  i grew so fat that summer i cannot imagine
• i miss oj. i miss good days with him. i am way too redundant in saying that i miss old days but i am gradually getting used to everything. things aren`t as worse as it were during the christmas break but it`s not as good as the first 3 years either. lately it`s been a struggle but i`m sure we will work it out just fine. we have been working it out for years anyway, what`s another year right? we`re gadamn partners, we are a team and we just promised ourselves that we won`t let this go easily. not without a fight
• i must`ve watched the exorcism of emily rose a handful of times this year and it never fails to creep me out! fuck. it`s real, people. open your eyes
• i was thinking about my favorite mental disorder (yes, we have such thing — i know, it`s crazy) and i cannot think of anything! but i`m leaning towards… schizophrenia because it`s the worst disorder anyone could possibly get. it`s far beyond worse than cancer because it`s your brain that is fucking with you. physical pain is so much better than mental and psychological pain. believe me
• you know what i learned in studying psychology is how important good parenting is. it`s one of the most important thing in this world (if not the most important) it becomes our spinal cord. we should never belittle the power of parenting
• tito ron and i ordered pizza. he`s still and will always be my favorite tito in the world and it`s not just because he acts as if he is my age but he`s totally adorable and generous. i love him
• i love you oj dela cruz. i may suck at expressing it sometimes and cross the line but i always have loved you and i always will

bullets because i`m pissed and happy and i don`t even know how`s that possible

• so i spent a marvelous day with my number 1 crush! thanks for the treat, hun
• HOW CAN SOME PEOPLE JUST TELL EVERYTHING ABOUT THEIR LIFE TO AN ACQUAINTANCE? just bothers me sometimes
• is there a reason why i should give an explanation to why i am not replying..?
• i`m such a bad person
• so fucking disappointed with my quiz score, i could`ve done better
• http://a2.twimg.com/profile_images/1733968560/image.jpg — i love you and ya bet i will forever
• :) oj makes me happy but he makes me incredibly sad sometimes. however i do know that it`s all part of the package and damn it he`s worth it
• if anyone could ever prove to me that she can love oj better, i honest to goodness, will let oj go but until then, i`m here to stay
• i wish i knew how to live in the present and not get stuck in the past
• “i, ross, take thee rachel”
• what if you actually said the wrong name in your wedding? that would fuck things up and if ever that happened to me, i`d slap his face with a damn chair HAHAHAHA
• okay good bye i still have a lot to do

thoughts

• i am and forever will be grossed out by show business
• i need a new book!
• oj and i talked — about sagada. and boy, we love that place. we have to go there together.. one day but for now, make tagaytay escape reality first
• miley cyrus is perfection but i know for a fact she’ll be taking the same route w britney and lindsay, such a waste
• i don’t give a fuck about what ANYONE thinks anymore. i’m like, fuck it, fuck off, fuck you
• i want a DSM-IV! swallow all those mental disorders and just know them by heart
• i am going to be a psychiatrist one day but i have to do good w school while i still have the chance. 2 semesters to go 
• louisse david, doctor of psychiatry — yes, i like the sound of that
• oh my god, MD attached to my name!!!!!! soon or maybe PHD? ahh i don’t know but leaning towards being a medical doctor
• i have a two page word document filled w tumblr picture and typographies waiting to be printed. can’t wait to get back to school and just paste it on my sb planner. love it
• … eh, 2011 sb planner was okay. not necessarily ugly. maybe abandoned, neglected but not ugly. handing it to oj when i see him
• i miss oj
• is it really possible to have found the person you’re willing to marry at age 19
• i am 19. holy cow and i still don’t know how to cross the street alone
• i bought a nice shirt today and it said, “please come home”. funny
• didi makes a great ipad stand
• chewy is forever useless
• i can never live in a house without dogs
• it’s 3 am and maybe i should sleep now

2011

• not so much my year, things weren`t the way i expected them to be however
• i realized that amidst all of the craziness in my life i have a wonderful family and amazing friends
• and that you should never ever love anyone more than you love yourself. not even your husband or whoever because that fact itself will actually destroy you once you know how much you`re willing to sacrifice for another person. sure, it is an absolutely wonderful feeling but everything has its end 
• i`ve lost faith in love altogether… and it`s a rather sad thing to lose because it is what should keep me going, or everyone for that matter but — i lost it. my only wish is to gain it back one day
• in 2011, i have surprised myself and it wasn`t it the ways i have hoped it would be. i did terrible things to people and to myself even, especially to oj and God knows how much i am punishing myself for it right now. i know that i will be redeemed one day but as of now, i have to endure the torture
• i am glad to have rekindled old ties with great high school friends, they are the epitome of my youth (but maybe it`s too early to tell) and i cannot lose them in my life
• i`ve never given a thought about how much i lost myself when i drowned in a sea called love. spectacular feeling, no doubt about that, but sometimes even if you wanted to help yourself, you just can`t and maybe it`s true, that all people needs saving
• …. i have always thought that i wanted someone to save me. to actually bring back the warmth of the radiating sun in my life but i guess, when no one comes, you just have to do the saving yourself. and that is why i promised that i will definitely love myself more and this time, i will stick to it
• of course, bullets won`t be complete without my profession of love for oj: he is my best friend and i spent an entire week (last week of 2011) without communication with him and holy shit was it agonizing. i mean, i know you know that feeling. i was just so used of having oj in my life and regardless of the years we spent together, no one really knows me that way he does — needless to say, i`ve never felt so much comfort being with someone you don`t have to go everyday trying to impress. and that`s how we are. sure, we`re young and people these days hardly even stay together anymore but what if WE are the exception and he is the only guy i cannot go on a day without thinking so that means something right. we have tried and tried and tried to make this relationship work, just goes to show how much we want to make it work. anyway, i just. i just love him and i have to write about it because one day, when all of these have faded into oblivion, i will read my tumblr and my bullets and i will smile, maybe give him a ring and tell him how much i love him
• fuck 2011, 2012 will be great

bullets, again

• “fail but nice”
• paskuhan was disappointing
• i was disappointed
• i don`t think i could ever like anyone anymore. it`s fucking sad. i mean, I WAS IN A SEA FULL OF PEOPLE. and all i can think of was wishing how oj was there or i was with him. my god, this will be a long terrible journey of pain
• i`m glad to be home
• i just want sleep!
• actions > words. people who`re full of words should be killed, shot to heart
• i miss oj. i remembered how i spent my christmas with him and his family
• i honestly haven`t felt christmas, you know, that feeling where you`re all too giddy for noche buena or to go to mass. i had none of those so if you`re feeling that right now, consider yourself lucky
• i type unbelievably fast. if all else fails with me and psychology, i might consider being a typist and overcharge everyone
• i miss my oj
• i don`t know what i want anymore.. and it has always been my problem. right now i`m considering watching dvd or sleeping
• “growing up beside you”
• oj asked me to listen to this song… memories of us played. i honestly love that boy to core. and i think it`s such a curse to love someone you`re not allowed to spend every single day with. not yet. but he`s worth the wait, right
• best memory of oj: when we slept at that small couch in the hospital where dad was confined. i could barely fir there but we made it work. i love that night. i love the morning after. i love how he`s my best friend. i love how he`s always there for me
• i have the best dad in the universe
• in this house we have more dogs than people, more laptop than people, more dvds than people. i have an extraordinary family
• “if you have your secrets, i also have my own set of skeletons in my closet” “mine`s worse” “we’ll know about that when we find them out” “but you`d never look at me the same if you knew”
• i wanna have a phd
• i love my angels — sad i didn`t get to spend pasuhan with them. i could hardly receive and send messages last night! what`s wrong with that school
• :| :| :| :| 
• i love typing in my new lappy so nice and so new hehe
• okay bye

maybe i do need saving